Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I finally feel what I have known in my head!!
I am just getting around to posting an experience I had a week ago. Time seems to stand still while thinking of "the wait" for a referral, but really times just flies by.
So it has been weeks since this mom was out and about with no children in tow. Actually "out and about" hasn't even been happening as we have had a rough winter as far as viruses, colds and the flu. Neither of my kids, or myself or hubby seem to have been sick at the same exact time (I am not complaining about this), so each person has gotten great attention and care; however this should explain why it had been weeks since I had even been "out and about", especially with two children well enough to be in school the same day! Anyway, I was in my glory enjoying the time to myself, but mostly the quiet. Sometimes, just being quiet and not talking or answering questions, or listening is so nice and soooooo peaceful! Perfect time for prayer, PERFECT time for God to make himself known. So, I was leaving Target in my quiet car (my radio is broken so it was totally silent), and I was praying and thanking the Lord for all my blessings and how good it felt to be out and healthy with an entirely healthy family........when all of a sudden I had this amazing feeling come over me. It was like I was filled up from my toes to my head with the most wonderful feeling of joy, peace, calm and excitement. I have to interject here that over the past 6 1/2 months of waiting I have had ups and downs, ALWAYS trusting that things were in God's hands, knowing this so strongly in my head, yet I could NOT feel it in my heart. When I thought about my baby or how long it was taking, I would always get an ache and longing feeling and yes sometimes jigs of crying, even though I was telling myself what I SO believe to be true "Andrea, he has it all planned out and everything will work out just the way it is supposed to". I have two children now that were not easy to bring into this world, and when I look back on their birth stories it all makes sense. So, I just kept drilling this into my head, hoping my heart would feel it. We call this in our house being "incongruent". When your thoughts and emotions, or mind and body are not in synch with one another. I have been challenging myself lately and praying that I would actually FEEL what I knew so strongly in my head and by my faith. So, hop back into my car with me......this feeling was as if I got the call saying I had my referral and that I had a healthy baby girl. Any fear, worry, concern or question I had in my head was literally pulled out of my body. I began screaming at the top of my lungs with the most joy and excitement. It felt so great. It was so clear that God was telling me he had my little girl, she was fine and he was with her and to give it all up to him. SOMEHOW I FINALLY felt it!!!!! And it was amazing. I was and still am so thankful that I was finally ready for this gift. I do believe I must not have been ready, or the way I have been feeling was all a part of this process. All of my prayers and asking to feel at peace, was answered!!! I have literally been floating around feeling like I already have a referral and not worrying or thinking about anything but how great this all is and how close we are.
Then, yesterday I got a call from our agency and was told we are next in line for a baby girl! God is so good!! I know this process is far from over, but I am already realizing what this wait has meant to me. I already know I would not trade it for anything. I hardly believe I am saying that, but it is true. I have grown SOOOOO much and learned so much about myself, my faith, my friends and my family. It has been truly priceless and I know God wanted and needed me to go through this process just as it has been progressing. I can say this, know this and finally feel this!